Yesterday we brought you the Extrauterine Pregnancy Express, journalist-blogger Chen Feng’s
Oniony news parody on Beijing’s
Olympic prep work. The unseemly title, as was explained in the post, derives from a punning Chinese
nickname for the Games that's been creeping around the blogosphere (Gongwaiyun). Chen bashed out his cycle of mock dispatches in a flurry
on Thursday. When complimented on his wry wit, he could only scoff back. “What’s
so creative about it!”
Anyway, translated herewith is another installment:
Extrauterine Pregnancy
Express Number Two
The government announced
today that they will require Beijing
citizens to share one kitchen knife for every five households, so as to ensure 100-percent
safety during the Gongwaiyun [read: Olympics]. When not in use, the kitchen knife is to be
placed in a fixed location under the protection of a specially appointed
individual. It will be subjected to random inspection. Migrants will have to
share one kitchen knife for every ten households, and must have a Beijing resident as a
guarantor in order to use it.
When in use, the knife’s
user along with the purpose and length of use must be registered, and a record
must be kept with local urban management personnel. Users must re-apply when
using the knife over the appointed period of use.
Asked by a reporter why such stringent regulations were being introduced, a
Gongwaiyun spokesperson noted that during the period 2008 Beijing Olympics,
security checks are being carried out on
cars from other places entering the city, and knives the least bit large are not
allowed to be brought in. But on taking into account that every single household
in the city owns knives, some sharper and bigger than those being restricted, the
government decided on this measure, using Yuan Dynasty controls on knives as a
reference.
Not enough? Here's a bonus installment:
Extrauterine
Pregnancy Express Number Four:
The government is considering more stringent measures during the period of the
Gongwaiyun, in order to ensure environmental protection efforts pass muster, a spokesman
announced today.
The
spokesman expressed outrage at the ulterior motives of some foreign media, who've
criticized Beijing's recent spectacular skies as environmental pollution. He
stated, “The inability to see clearly is a kind of misty beauty, and by no
means represents poor air quality.” Citing one example, he said, “In a bathhouse
you can’t see clearly. That’s called steam, not pollution.” Citing another
example, he said, “On the moon you can see clearly. You think air quality there is
good?”
He also said, however, that in order to enable the broad masses of foreign nationals
to fully understand our level of commitment to the slogan “One World, One
Spring Dream,” in addition to the recent orders to halt production at a greater
number of enterprises, the government will consider restricting all people
considered "Three Have-nots" (no power, no money, no background) from driving their
vehicles, except for those whose license plate numbers do not end in odd or
even digits. "Three Have-not" enterprises will only be allowed to operate after
25:00 in the evening.
Asked
by a reporter what would be done if results cannot be effectively achieved on
time, the spokesman said with a mysterious smile, “The government have already
identified the largest source of pollution, and will adopt stringent measures
to control it.”
The government’s stringent measures, sources have revealed, will include a ban
on farting by the "Three Have-not" people. Violators will be fined.
