Day 27: Still Consumed with Guilt

Cravings: Sushi, Sushi, Sushi, Sushi, Sushi, Sushi, Sushi, Sushi, Sushi, Sushi, and more Sushi

Mood: Apprehensive

I think it’s fair to say that this experiment has changed me. Now, don’t worry. I’m not going to go into this whole monologue about how this has been a miraculous conversion for me. I will not be dedicating myself to Freeganism permanently. But I can say that I feel very, very apprehensive about my return to mainstream culture. Because don’t get me wrong, this whole Freegan experiment was meant to explore food waste, what Freegans’ claim is the abuse of capitalism and the environment and our desire for more, bigger and new; but was also about measuring your impact. So, I read about how our food gets from the farm to the plate. I did some research on how companies figure out how to sell us things we don’t need. And of course, we learned about cognitive dissonance. And interestingly enough, as my time as Freegan girl draws short, I appear to be suffering from it again. For those who are just tuning in, cognitive dissonance is that completely horrible buzzing sound you hear when you walk under big electrical wires. Just kidding, actually, it is the state of great psychological discomfort created when your brain is forced to acknowledge two pieces of information that it finds counter-intuitive or contradictory. Now according to my favorite expert Carol Tavris, social psychologist and co-author of Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts, cognitive dissonance can be more uncomfortable than extreme hunger! And it’s true; though I think I’d rather be hungry. The problem is that I want to go back to my old life with open arms and no questions or concerns; but I can’t. I would just feel too guilty. And not that free-form kind of liberal guilt because life is harder on some people than it is on me; but real guilt. Perhaps some examples will clue you in on my state of mind:

Exhibit A: I have no problem going back to meat; but now I have to balance my carnivorous desires with my new knowledge about the less then stellar conditions in factory farms and animal cruelty. Yikes.

Exhibit B: I want new clothes for Fall; but I don’t need new clothes for Fall. It just feels wrong to buy clothes you don’t need them. I feel like I’ve fallen under the spell of a cult. I AM NOT CALLING FREEGANS A CULT. I am calling myself cult-like. I actually brainwashed myself to stop buying; and I feel like I'll never shake the feeling that I shouldn’t be shopping. Disturbing, right?

Exhibit C: I have this real reluctance to get back into the swing of things. I don’t know if that’s because a part of me likes the isolation of living outside of mainstream mores ( so dramatic!) Or maybe part of me is afraid that I won’t have learned from this at all and NEXT month, not only will my electric bill be $240; BUT I’ll have developed an addiction to veal, SUVs and Styrofoam.

You see where I’m coming from now? My editor, Jon Meacham, brought up an interesting, slightly insulting point today. How much of this guilt and fear can I really blame on Freeganism? I, like most Americans, don’t believe in small steps. So I’m either a Freegan or an Over-buying Pig who kills polar bears. I simply have no faith in my ability to find a reasonable middle ground. Let’s just say that ‘Moderation in all things’ has never been my mantra. But maybe I should try. I’m just scared, that’s all.

Good News: Husband is getting ready to grill up some steaks; I am so looking forward to going away this weekend and maybe do a little flea market shopping and the Dallas Cowboys are still undefeated!

Bad News: Halloween decorations are just calling out to me. “Buy me. Buy me now, Raina.” It’s very unsettling and creepy, I might add.

Worries: I want to throw a football party; but I’m afraid it’s just an excuse to go on a buying bender.

Note: Go to unicefusa.org and get some Unicef Halloween collection boxes. They’re free and kids can combine gorging on candy with global giving.