This whole having-a-second-kid nonsense is getting frighteningly official. Yesterday my bride came home with an Ergo baby carrier! Oh dear. Soon enough we'll have someone to stuff inside it. Imagine. The first time around we rocked the Baby Bjorn. Walking around Brooklyn with my first born strapped to my chest for a year was a lovely prolonged bonding experience. It also had the minor side effect of making me feel about as sexy as a eunuch wearing a diaper. In a bunny costume.

So what, I wondered, was this Ergo carrier all about. As you know, ergo is latin for "therefore," as in "I breed, ergo I apparently now wear things that are in the fanny pack family." These contraptions are very popular with all the crunchy Brooklyn moms. I peeked at the box:


"The best support for your Baby ... and your LifeStyle." Indeed.

I'm not sure why Baby is capitalized -- maybe they want to emphasize how very important your child is, you know, in case you forgot. Maybe they're German. Maybe it's a message from the 18th century when ergonomically-correct infant-shaped knapsacks were all the rage. More perplexing, however, is "LifeStyle" -- no space, both words capitalized. I mean, presumably if you need an ergo carrier, it's a bit late to start thinking about condoms .

Whatever. I wondered exactly what LifeStyle of mine this baby carrier is the "best support" for. Fortunately the box offered some helpful hints, such as Chillaxing By The Beach With Your NewBorn Because That's What You Do When You Have NewBorns:

 
If that's not quite the LifeStyle for you, they also have the Abu Ghraib Hood Accessory To Bind and Gag Your Squalling Child to Your Back, Freeing Your Handsome Self Up To Admire the Palm Trees:

 
This last LifeStyle isn't on the box, but maybe it should be. It certainly IS plastered on phone booths (remember those?) and bus stops around Brooklyn. It's my personal favorite: I Love My Boo, Which I Do While Wearing LifeStyles -- or Trojans or Magnums or Whatever's Handy in the Heat of Our Moment -- And I Also Get Regularly Tested ... But, Honestly, Having A Baby Doesn't Really Fit Into My Immediate Agenda: