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Nurture Shock

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Ashley Merryman





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    Dear Readers /NurtureShock Last Post For Newsweek

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    Dear Readers: This is our last NurtureShock post for Newsweek.com. We have been thrilled to have this opportunity—to share the science of child development and parenting with you. However, what we love the most about this topic is diving headlong into...

    Some Kids Are Never Spanked - Do They Turn Out Better?

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    Best of NurtureShock
    Teens Who Feel More Peer Pressure Turn Out Better, Not Worse
    Dr. Joe Allen explains why vulnerability to peer pressure is a good thing, in the long run.

    What Do Children Understand About God?
    We assume religion affects our parenting. In fact, our parenting style alters how children conceive of God.

    The Social Hierarchy of Preschoolers
    Why socially dominant behavior has different meaning in September than in February.

    How Biased Science led to Emotional Intelligence curriculum in all UK Schools
    A re-analysis of the pilot study that led to Emotional Intelligence becoming the UK's new national education strategy.

    New Evidence on Whether Children Should Redshirt Kindergarten
    According to Outliers, savvy parents give kids a comparative advantage by holding them out of kindergarten until they are six. New, better science explains why that's wrong.

    How We Got Pulled Into a War Between Rush Limbaugh and Maureen Dowd
    Our article, which argued not to talk to kids about race in code, was itself accused of speaking in code.

    Are Good Deeds a License to Misbehave?
    Why teens who volunteer in the community are less helpful to their siblings, and other variations of Zero Sum Morality.

    In Defense of Children Behaving Badly
    Why judging young kids on their behavior is short-sighted.


    Full Post
    Posted Tuesday, September 15, 2009 2:51 PM

    The Problem with Teaching Kids about Stranger Danger

    Ashley Merryman
    On Saturday, The New York Times ran a thoughtful piece by Jan Hoffman about whether kids can walk to school by themselves. In the US, just 13% of kids are walking or biking to school, down from 41% in 1969. (That drop, as steep as it is, is nothing compared to what's happened in the UK: Gill Valentine found that, in 1971, 80% of British children were responsible for getting themselves to school. By 1990, that figure was just 9%.)

    Hoffman took pains to show both sides of this agonizing issue – the tradeoff between absolute safety and the desire to encourage kids some small amount of responsibility and self-efficacy. I was very happy to see Hoffman’s story picked up by others such as the Today Show.

    But I'd like to go a bit further on a related issue – how we talk to kids about "stranger danger," and how much parents let their anxieties be felt by their children.

    It's one thing to tell a kid not to accept candy from a stranger, that a kid shouldn't go anywhere with a stranger or get in a stranger's car, etc. But some of safety messages go much further – telling kids that they should never speak to strangers, and they can't trust anyone that they don't already know.

    It's at this point that the scholars such as University of Durham professor Sue Scott warn of a problem. Especially if the kids live in an urban environment, most of the people that a child will encounter in an average day will in fact be strangers.

    Kids who are constantly warned of stranger danger come to see the world as a very threatening, dangerous place. Every interaction puts them at risk. For some young kids, they don't even understand the distinction between "stranger" and "strange" – so they think that anything out of their ordinary experience can be a threat.

    When the default position becomes that kids should be fearful of everyone, with frequent admonitions to never talk to or trust strangers, that leaves kids with no practical guidance on how to carry normal discourse. And kids are aware of the disconnect: the kid who says hello to a bus driver or asks a store cashier a question knows that he has just broke the "Don't talk to strangers" rule.

    So, as Scott explains, what ends up happening is that kids come up with these ad-hoc, fairly random decisions about who is all right to trust. They just size up a person by gender, appearance, and situation, and then hope for the best. (And of course, it's exactly that sort of "he looked nice" reasoning that can get kids into trouble.)

    There has to be some middle ground – where kids can be taught specifics on how to handle themselves in different situations – a focus on what people are doing, not who they are. So that children can feel empowered, rather than helpless and frightened.

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    Member Comments

    Posted By: escreamer (September 22, 2009 at 10:12 PM)

    I think that the one thing that rang true in the book - and rings true in these comments - is that the current generation of parents (myself included) have excelled at excess.  If being careful around strangers is good, avoiding them entirely is better.  If stressing equality is good, avoiding any mention of race is better.  If PBS is good, then non-stop PBS is even better, etc.

    Remember the old (and I mean really old) ancient Greek saying: Μηδέν  άγαν (Medèn ágan) - nothing in excess.  If we applied that rule, maybe it would be a lot simpler!

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    Posted By: 1stopinion (September 21, 2009 at 4:07 PM)

    daennera , the rudeness of the American public can also be staggering!  Better scared than dead is different if you're 4 or 5. Not your whole life. Not an adult. If you know how to read, I said my daughter is now 34 AND WELL ADJUSTED!!!   You're good at adding things that were not said. Your opinion is just that...YOUR opinion

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    Posted By: isis5632 (September 16, 2009 at 1:36 PM)

    The problem I have with 'stranger danger' is that the majority, > 75%, or children who are abused sexually are by someone they know be it a family member or sports coach.  We do a terrible job of preparing our children for that reality and how to protect themselves

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