by Ramin Setoodeh

Paramount was so worried the critics would hate G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra—and with good reason, it's awful—that they decided not to screen it for anybody. Just one problem: the first showing was at 12:01 a.m. on Friday, which means I have all night to tell you how bad it is. Bad. Bad. Bad. It's excruciatingly bad. Gigli bad. How bad are we talking? I chronicled my night:

11:40 p.m.: I arrive to the theater, a little sleepy and slightly giddy that the movie could be so bad that it's good. I ask the older couple on the escalator behind if they're here to see G.I. Joe. No! It's got to be bad, they say, because it wasn't even screened for the critics. They're here to see Meryl Streep as Julia Child.

12:01 a.m.: Showtime. Except not really. I was expecting crowds and G.I. toys and maybe even a few people chanting "All-American Hero" (yes, I was a G.I. Joe groupie back in the day). But the theater is half empty and a woman down the aisle from me is picking her nose.

12:09 a.m.: Trailers. First bad omen: the movies previewed before G.I. Joe include a very bad John Travolta movie and a very bad M. Night Shyamalan movie. Although, in retrospect, neither of them could possibly be as bad as G.I. Joe.

12:20 a.m.: OK, at last the movie is about to start. Oh. It's presented by Hasbro.

12:21 a.m.: Second Hasbro mention in one minute. Are they selling G.I. Joe's at the concession stand?

And then: France, 1641. Except France looks like the Disneyland Pirates of the Caribbean ride. There is a man who looks like Merlin about to kill a man who looks like Harvey Keitel. Chaos. Violence. Chaos. "We are going to make an example of you," some guy says. Then they put a hot mask on the face of their prisoner.  (End scene. And I should add this scene has no relevance at all to anything that follows.)

12:22 a.m.: In the not-too-distance future. NATO Weapons Command. Some dude with a red tie is giving a presentation about army tanks and cancer cells. I'm already confused.

12:23 a.m.: Dennis Quaid is in this movie! He is? He looks mad. Does he know it's going to be bad?

12:23 a.m.: Channing Tatum, in solider gear. Cue the applause. Oops, the theater is silent. He says: "NATO wants the best of the best—that's why we're here." In this movie!? Oh, funny.

12:25 a.m.: Channing Tatum says, "Keep your eye open." Does he know I'm falling asleep?

12:27 a.m.: An exploding helicopter lands on a tank. This movie is very loud.

12:28 a.m.: I'm feeling sick from all the turbulence.

12:29 a.m.: Sienna Miller makes her grand entrance. She's wearing a dominatrix leather suit and channeling Catherine Zeta-Jones. Also, brown hair? Must be a wig.

12:30 a.m.: She purrs to Channing Tatum, "Hello, Duke."

12:31 a.m.: Channing and Sienna are running through the forest like Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher. Some other dude tells her, "Don't make me shoot a woman!" and she jumps on a helicopter and makes a quick escape.

12:32 a.m.: Dennis Quaid is a hologram, like the sidekick guy on Quantum Leap. He summons everybody to headquarters.

At headquarters: Lots of things happen. I don't pay attention to any of it. This movie is worse than the Fantastic Four.

12:38 a.m.: Two people seated behind me leave.

12:40 a.m.: "I will get the warheads back," purrs Sienna. I think this means she's the villain. Also, she's wearing nerdy librarian glasses, that make her look like an actress of films rated by the letter that follows W.

12:41 a.m.: We are introduced to some doctor wearing a mask who looks like Skeletor, the bad guy in He-Man. Remember the '80s? If not, don't go see this movie. If you do, still don't go see this movie.

12:46 a.m.: Flashback! Four years earlier, Channing Tatum is dancing with a blonde Sienna Miller. Ooh. He leans over and...pops the question. Her, about the ring: "It's beautiful, too beautiful." Him: "I'm only going to buy one of these, so why not?" Joseph Gordon-Levitt arrives: "Say yes." Sienna: "Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course it's yes."

12:48 a.m.: Back to present time. Everybody is wearing an accelerator suit that looks like it's from the props department of Robo-Cop.

12:49 a.m.: Brendan Fraser—is that you? You or your lookalike just pulled up on a bike. Am I watching The Mummy 4?

12:55 a.m.: Sienna Miller storms headquarters and her posse stabs Dennis Quaid, but I don't think he's dead.

12:57 a.m.: Channing corners Sienna with a big gun. "Do it," she purrs. "You already killed me once." But he's distracted and now a white ninja is fighting a black ninja and it makes me miss the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

1:01 a.m.: Another flashback! Tokyo 20 years earlier. What follows is subtitled, and it's B-O-R-I-N-G.

1: 09 a.m.: And then, we're off to East Africa! Four years earlier.

1:10 a.m.: Joseph Gordon-Levitt dies. Since he's only been in the movie for two minutes, I think he'll probably be back.

1:25 a.m.: The Eiffel Tower blows up.

1:28 a.m.: Dennis Quaid is not dead but in a wheelchair: "Team alphas to return to the pit."

1:38 a.m.: Now some mission thingy is happening, and Channing is captured by the evil doctor. Channing: "Who are you?" Doctor takes off his mask and it's...Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Since IMDB credits Levitt as Doctor, I'm not giving anything away.

1:45 a.m.: Sienna has a flashback. She's kissing Channing. She decides being bad is not good, so she saves him.

1:50 a.m.: Best line of dialogue of the night: "Maybe the plane responds to Celtic."

2 a.m.: Channing and Sienna escape together in a ship. The end. Except the movie isn't ending.

2:08 a.m.: OK, it's over. Worst. Movie. Ever. But wait. Paramount doesn't care what I think. "We want audiences to define this film," said Rob Moore, the studios vice chairman, in an interview earlier this week.

OK. Fair enough.

Audience, what do you think!?!?!?! Here's what the good people who are such big G.I. Joe fans they stayed up past 2 a.m. on a school night to watch the movie before anybody else had to say:

"Sh--"
"It looked cheap."
"Boring."
"My score? 0."
"It felt like a videogame."
"Sienna Miller was terribly cast."
"They were, like, wearing spacesuits."
"It was so far over the top. The guy who directed it did The Mummy. He ruined The Mummy."
"This was the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. They only made it to sell toys."
"I thought it was a comedy."