Courtesy HFPA.

If you think the Golden Globes are an odd program to watch, you should take a look at the actual program--you know, the glossy one they hand out to the stars. It resembles a fancy high school yearbook. It opens with a letter from Arnold Schwarzenegger, who as the governor of California congratulates all the nominees--because he's like the school principal. "I won my first Golden Globe more than thirty years ago," the ex-"Terminator" writes. "I'm still waiting for my second!" Then there's a list of the 81 members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, the mysterious clique of journalists who vote on the Globes, from countries as far away as Malaysia, Japan, and Australia. Then there's the part that really looks like a yearbook, where a bunch of actors pass on Hallmark-worthy wishes to Steve Spielberg, this year's Cecil B. DeMille honorary winner. "Congratulations and I love you!" writes Dakota Fanning. "You are one in a million," says Goldie Hawn. "I bow to you!" And, of course, Tom Cruise is his characteristically low-key self: "This world is a better place because of the remarkable person you are."

Cruise probably has an equally high opinion of the Globes--after all, the organization is one of the only groups to single out his performance in "Tropic Thunder." But the rest of us know better. While the Globes are billed as a dress rehearsal to the Oscars, they are also an unscripted party with Hollywood's biggest stars--so unscripted in fact that you sometimes can't tell what the heck is going on. That's where we come in. We were backstage at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, Calif., where the winners took questions from the foreign--and non foreign--members of the press. Here are 9 things that we learned.

(1) As the evening started, Kate Winslet won best supporting actress for "The Reader," but when she opened her purse to take out her speech, it looked like there was more paper inside. Had she written a second speech for her other nominated performance, in "Revolutionary Road"? "(Those were) blotting papers, to take the shine off your face," Winslet said, slightly defensive. "There is no other speech! I have no further expectations."

(2) Then she won for "Revolutionary Road," too, and we saw that she wasn't lying when she delivered an impromptu, heartfelt acceptance. So why did she only write a speech for "The Reader"? "Because I thought Anne Hathaway was going to win it hands down," Winslet said. "I really feel like this is a dream."

(3) Ricky Gervais delivered a hilarious monologue about sleeping with the entire membership of the Hollywood Foreign Press, and he kept taking a sip of ...something. What was he drinking? "Beer," Gervais said. "But I think somebody put a little crack inside."

(4) As Sally Hawkins walked up to accept her award for best performance in a comedy for "Happy-Go-Lucky," Meryl Streep--who was also nominated in the category--leaned over and whispered something into her ear. What did Meryl say? According to Hawkins, Streep asked, "Are you happy now?!'" Later, Hawkins grinned to a roomful of journalists: "Yes, Meryl. I'm happy!"

(5) When "30 Rock" won best TV comedy series, Tracy Morgan accepted the award, saying, "Tina Fey and I had an agreement that if Barack Obama won, I would speak for the show from now on." Come on, they didn't really make a wager about that, did they!?! "Absolutely," Morgan says. "It's in the contract now."

(6) There were two unintentional f-word moments on the live East Coast broadcast. Director Darren Aronofsky affectionately flipped off Mickey Rourke, and on the pre-show interview, Colin Farrell--who won best actor in a musical comedy for "In Bruges"--accidentally dropped the f-word. Did Colin get in trouble? "I wasn't aware of that at all," Farrell said sheepishly, adding he usually only realizes that he's cursing by the time he gets to the letters "CK."

(7) "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" won best musical comedy, but where was Woody Allen? He stayed in New York; according to one of the film's producers, Letty Aronson, "he's probably sleeping."

(8) Rourke thanked his past and present dogs in his speech for best actor in a drama ("The Wrestler"). How many has he had? At least a dozen, including his Chihuahua Taco Bell, and he has all of their names imprinted on the rings that he wears on his hand, he said.

(9) "Slumdog Millionaire" swept with four wins, including best picture drama. So you'd think the real Hollywood stars would be jealous of its cast of unknowns, right? Maybe not. "I had a funny experience with Angelina Jolie [at a recent dinner]," said Freida Pinto, the film's female lead. "I wanted to go up to her but I didn't want to seem like a creepy girl. I'd just stuck a pastry in my mouth and Angelina Jolie came up to me and said, 'Great film.' Talk about bad timing."

The surprise winner of Sunday night's Golden Globes? "Milk Meets Nixon." No, your author isn't suffering from a champagne-fueled Jack Nicholson/Elizabeth Taylor-like moment. This unlikely pairing was a winner at the completely unauthorized, unofficial Golden Globes party I attended, far from Hollywood, in a cozy apartment in New York.

Our gracious host Randall, who is a bit of a movie nut and a contest junkie with a serious competitive streak, ordered invited guests to "bring a party dish that is not only delicious but also inspired by one of this year's GG nominees." Oh, #%@*, I thought. This ought to be fun—NOT.

But after bemoaning my plight to friends and coworkers, nearly all offered ideas, with gusto. Some even sounded a little sad that they wouldn't be going to said soirée. And it did turn out to be fun, even the judging part. Yes, the dishes were judged according to an elaborate scoring system devised by our host:

50% - Link/explanation to your dish and the chosen Golden Globe nominee. Written, clever explanations are encouraged.
35% - Taste.
15% - Presentation.

So, without further ado, the envelope please:

3rd Place: "Milk Meets Nixon": Apparently Nixon's favorite snack food was dried figs. (Really, not prunes?)  So guest Ken created mini semolina cakes made with "milk" and topped his creations with fig syrup.

2nd Place: "Harvey's Milk Pie": I was responsible for this tooth-rotting traditional "milk pie" flavored with "Harvey's Bristol Cream" sherry ... If you haven't seen "Milk", the protagonist's name is Harvey Milk. Terribly clever, right?

And the Golden Globe went to "In Bruges," another masterful creation by Ken. I'll give you his description verbatim: "Two Irish men find themselves enmeshed in the local customs of Bruges, Belgium. I took a very Irish ingredient (potatoes) and made a sandwich out of it. The filling between the two 'buns' are things that are not Irish to symbolize the two Irishmen being in a different culture." The three different fillings were tuna, chicken and avocado.

Honorable mentions should go to the delicious tortilla Espanola (in tribute to "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"), "Revolutionary (Rocky) Road" (an ice cream/cake concoction), and "The Wrestler" (a cheese "ring" with lots of raspberry preserves in the middle, symbolizing, well, blood). The booby prize of the night goes to a plain (and untouched) carton of "Milk." Who brought that?!

Alas, I wasn't able to capture an image of this eclectic spread due to an unfortunate accident involving leakage from my milk pie, which hadn't quite set before we set out for the party. If you've ever wondered, cameras don't mix very well with sugary, milky syrup.

Now your author must sign off for a pre-bed diet of Tums. And hope my stomach recovers in time for the Oscars.

P.S. Did anyone else notice that whenever the camera panned an actor sitting at a table, the Moet label on the champagne was always turned so that you could read it? Did they have attendants running around to stage the champagne bottles after every glass of bubbly was poured? Now that's some serious product placement.

Last hours of the work week, one task to go: plunk some cash down on the Golden Globes.  Who cares if they're a poor man's Oscars (...or a rich man's People's Choice Awards?).  And the contenders are...

Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway. Courtesy of 20th Century Fox.

The Carrie Bradshaw crew will flock to "Bride Wars" this weekend -- even if critics are slamming the chick flick as tiered-tulle tripe. (The main B.O. opponent looks like Clint Eastwood as a reformed racist coot, who takes to the nationwide multiplexes in the excellent "Gran Torino.")

But as Variety's Todd McCarthy points out in passing, one of the more odious aspects of the film isn't the tired bridezilla schtick or, as he groans, the use of "OMG" in response to any and all scenarios.  It's the setting in a thoroughly bygone era -- that of the opulent, pre-recession wedding:

"Wishful thinking, ...a schoolteacher signing on for a deluxe wedding without even inquiring as to the cost. But then, the movie is already a period piece, made before last September, when price wasn't an issue."

A period piece! In ye olde times of fat, we had San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker and "Desperate Housewife" Eva Longoria, married in front of "several hundreds" at a 17th-century French chateau and faintly denying reports that the cake cost $11,000 -- just to fly from L.A. to Paris. 

Now in famine, we have "The Hills"' Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, ditching a bar in Mexico to elope on a cheap-tequila buzz -- family, friends and $100-a-head caterers notably absent.

The country is following suit.  A survey conducted by David's Bridal last month revealed that 75 percent of brides had to rethink their wedding budget in light of the economy.  How?  By replacing wedding cakes, once an up to $3,000 suck on a bridal budget, with a $150 rented version.  (A lavish dummy cake arrives in a wooden crate; once it's been thoroughly admired, you haul it into the kitchen to "slice," and out comes Costco sheet cake).  Or by getting married in a cheaper country, a la Speidi -- destination weddings attract on average a third of the guests vis-a-vis traditional weddings. Even fashion designer Vera Wang, whose bridal line is the ne plus ultra of that retail sector -- and whose designs both Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson wear in the film -- is backing out of New York Fashion Week next month to cut costs.

Is this Tina Fey's year? Can "True Blood" really win? NEWSWEEK's Joshua Alston and Marc Peyser make their picks for the awards show. Disagree? The comments are all yours.

Introductory blog posts kind of make my skin crawl.  "Join me as I peel back a batiked-peace-sign curtain to reveal my moody thoughts, which I 'll be transcribing and creatively punctuating three times a day."  Eesh. 

This is kinda fun:

Cover art for the Criterion Collection edition of Ang Lee's "The Ice Storm"

FROM AMERICAN GEEK: Back in my DVD buying heyday, scanning The Criterion Collection section of Tower Records (R.I.P.) or the Virgin Megastore was an essential part of movie shopping. Some of the movies I'd already seen ("Dead Ringers") and others I hadn't ("The Seven Samurai"), but the care and dedication of the folks at Criterion always added a little extra something to my viewing experience. So it's welcome news that the company has started streaming some of its movies online. Here's how Laurence Lerman wrote up the news for Video Business:

Titles will be available online as streaming video for $5 for a one-week rental. The rental fee can be applied toward the purchase of that film on DVD or Blu-ray Disc when it is bought online at www.criterion.com. Criterion also initiated a "frequent flyer" program wherein every dollar spent earns the purchaser a point; 500 points yields a $50 gift certificate redeemable at the Web site.

"The rental fee counting toward the purchase of the DVD or Blu-ray was a direct response to the fact that, even though we've spent a huge amount of time developing an encoding workflow and a set of compression standards that we truly believe is the most film-like streaming experience on the Web, we still feel we can't offer video worth buying over the Internet," said Becker. "If you love these movies and really want to see them in high quality versions, you should buy the DVD or the Blu-ray disc."