BEAUFORT COUNTY, S.C.--It's 6:22 p.m. and still no Mr. President. He was expected here at the Penn Center on St. Helena Island over an hour ago, at 5:15. But when it comes to Bill and the clock, "expected" is an elastic word--and the natives are getting restless. At 6:23, a gentleman leaning on the barricade in front of the press pen turns around and asks if he can put something down on the chair next to me. "I'm getting cramps holding it here," he says. It's a copy of Dean Koontz's "The Husband" (coincidentally) with a "Hillary for President" placard inserted in the pages like a bookmark--which proves anything causes cramps when you've been holding it for two-and-a-half hours. "So he's known for being late?" the man asks me. At 6:24, a frantic, squealing towheaded two-year-old demands that "Daddy" remove his shoes, then continues to squeal. At 6:25, the crowd starts chanting "We Want Bill! We Want Bill!" Chanting might be an overstatement. They quickly ditch the exclamation points and the cheer subsides.

I'm about to experience a similar deflation. Truth be told, I'm expecting fireworks. That's because I've read the stories that have consumed the press this past week: Bill the "red-faced" attack dog, slapping Barack Obama around, "injecting" race into the national conversation, railing at the monstrous media, doing his wife's dirty work in the Palmetto State while she hops, skips and jumps through the Super Tuesday states. Is he freelancing? Is it part of a larger strategy? Is it helping Hillary? Hurting Hillary? Getting into Obama's head? Like any pack-minded member of the MSM, I want a taste of the action.

Turns out, like Bill, I'm a little late. At 6:31, the former president finally arrives. "I drove three-and-a-half hours to get here," he says. Note the number. With the Clintons' anti-Obama talking points firmly fixed in the headlines, Bubba's in a "World Almanac" mood tonight--and my keyboard fingers can barely keep up with all the facts and figures. The median family income: "$1,000 lower today than when I left office." Number of jobs created in the 1990s: "22.2 million." Hillary's tax credit for college students: "$3,500." Savings if students stop defaulting on loans: "$4 billion." Gallons of oil consumed for every gallon produced: "four." And he's just getting started. "I can stand here and tell you how to reduce the energy we need by 30 to 50 percent," he says. "Our health care system costs 700 billion dollars more than any other system in the world," he adds. "That's the size of the trade deficit." Oh, and in case you forgot, "electronic medical records would save us $80 billion--which is 80 percent of the cost of covering everyone." It's almost like a Mastercard ad. Recruiting, training and deploying a new soldier to Iraq: "$56,000." Sending one Blackwater employee to protect a diplomat: "$135,000." Witnessing a former president spout an endless stream of statistics meant to reassure fretful voters shaken by struggling economy:

Priceless.

Of course, no one can process this much data. But that's the point. Bad Bill did his duty; now Good Bill (wonky, experienced Bill) is back. And his goal is to tout Hillary's "Solutions for America"--the more specifics, the better. "Voters don't care about politicians attacking each other," he has said (after attacking). "They want to know how we'll make their lives better."

Tonight, that's exactly what Bill did--and he only made one mistake. Closing his remarks with an anecdote meant to illustrate Hillary's warmth, he mentioned how a former roommate called up on their 37th wedding anniversary and volunteered to help with the campaign. "So it was last September," he started, then paused, catching his erroneous calculation. "Wait. October." Everyone laughed. It was the only time Clinton got "red-faced" all night.

In all fairness, he said "make their lives better." His might be a different story.

COLUMBIA, S.C.--Nancy Sharpe is regretting her decision. A registered Republican, Sharpe, 76, went to the polls last Saturday and did what a plurality of South Carolina Republican primary voters did: cast her ballot for John McCain. "I thought he'd be best qualified to lead our country in a time of war," she says.

But when I saw Sharpe cheering today at a John Edwards Voter Empowerment Town Hall here in Columbia, she sighed and said that she'd had a change of heart. Her fondness for Edwards, a South Carolina native, was nothing new. Like the former senator, Sharpe's parents both worked in cotton mills--"Pa" from the age of six, when he started as a sweeper, and "Mama" from the age of twelve, when her adopted father passed away and she decided "to give back." "Edwards still remembers," she says. "A lot of people who worked in the cotton mills are still around, 'cause it wasn't too long ago that they closed 'em here in Columbia. I relate to Edwards, his parents and what they're saying. He'd be a president of the people."

But that wasn't enough, I asked, for her to wait and vote Democratic?  "Well, Edwards got better this past week," Sharpe said. "What it was, I don't know. I think he was so mature when Hillary and Obama was fightin'. He stood back and said, 'How silly.'"

Edwards has spent the four days since Monday's vicious debate making the exact same point--and if it's winning over a Republican like Sharpe, it's probably winning over some Democrats, too. "I'm proud to be part of the 'grown-up' wing of the party," he told today's crowd, even though most of them were students; it's also the theme of his new ad (above). "This is the New York and Chicago-style politics of personal attacks and trying to tear people down. South Carolina deserves better than that." Edwards may have spent the weeks leading up to Iowa relentlessly slamming Clinton, but now he's hoping an old political rule holds true: if two rivals are exchanging blows, it's always the third man who benefits. The latest polls show signs of life. On Thursday, Clemson found Edwards in a statistical tie with Clinton for second place (17-20) among past South Carolina Democratic primary voters, and SurveyUSA has him up seven points from last week, to 22 percent--with the New York Senator down seven to 29.

Edwards won't catch Obama, who typically laps him by 20 points. But Hillary has largely ceded Saturday's contest to the Illinois senator, spending much of the week stumping and fundraising in Super Tuesday states. Today, Edwards hammered the former First Lady for "jetting in for a campaign event and flying back" and reminded listeners that he's "from here and understands [their] concerns." "When somebody is turning their back on South Carolina the week before the primary, what do you think will happen after they're elected president?" he asked. It's a good question. If enough of the sizable segment of Democrats who are still undecided break--like Sharpe--for the guy who "relates," expect the unexpected on Saturday night.

UPDATE 1.26.08: Hi everyone. This morning, I suddenly remembered that I'd actually had a conversation with the Congressman Kucinich, so I decided to post an addendum. Can't believe I forgot. When other candidates simply sent press releases, Kucinich called me personally. Read about it here.

And then there were three.

In an interview yesterday with the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich revealed plans to "transition out" of the Democratic presidential race, leaving Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards and the rest of America to continue ignoring his existence.

Sure, Kucinich's unabashedly liberal positions--single-payer health care; immediate withdrawal from NAFTA; a cabinet-level Department of Peace; "fostering a world of international cooperation"--never earned him more than a few points in national surveys. (His unabashedly crazy belief in UFOs probably didn't help.) Yes, Kucinich was reduced in recent weeks to suing NBC (unsuccessfully) for excluding him from debates, launching a recount effort to uncover (non-existent) anti-Kucinich shenanigans* in New Hampshire and filing a (failed) appeal to stay on the ballot in Texas--all of which inevitably distracted the candidate from winning over the thousands upon thousands of voters required to rise from one to two percent in the polls. And it's possible that Kucinich typed "dennis kucinich" into Google Suggest and discovered that more people are searching for "kucinich wife" (1.5 million results) than "kucinich for president" (440,000). It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man, in possession of eyes, must be in want of a stunning British redhead who towers over him and has a pierced tongue (66,000 results). It's tough to compete.

But the truth is probably more pedestrian. Kucinich, who easily won a sixth congressional term in 2004, is now facing four challengers back in Cleveland--and each of them is using his quixotic presidential campaign (and the time it takes away from representing his constituents) as ammunition. Cleveland Councilman Joe Cimperman, Kucinich's main rival, snuck into the congressman's Lakewood office Jan. 3 "with a camera-toting campaign worker to drop off a 'missing' poster mocking Kucinich's presidential travels," according to the Plain Dealer; he's also criticized Kucinich's Hollywood donors (Michael Moore is a fan). Candidate Barbara Ferris went one step further, citing Kucinich's failure to win the Democratic nod as evidence of his inadequacy. "He was unable to achieve anything running for president; he was unable to achieve in 11 years in Congress," she says. Seems like ignoring your district, hobnobbing with Hollywood and losing a lot of primaries isn't the best reelection strategy--and even someone who believes in little green men is practical enough to see that.

* UPDATE: Actually, Kucinich demanded a recount "because of what he says are unexplained disparities between hand-counted ballots and machine-counted ballots and rumors online of counting errors." It was a effort to ensure "public confidence in the integrity of the election process and the election machinery," not to uncover "anti-Kucinich shenanigans." The source I consulted when writing the article was misleading, and I apologize for the error. Thanks to everyone who pointed out the mistake.

On Jan. 1, we noted some eerie overlap between current Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his Democratic predecessor John Kerry. Both hail from the Bay State. Both speak French. Both grew up wealthy. Both lack the common touch. Both had fathers in government. And both are "rather robotic in person, with stentorian voices permanent stuck on the 'politician' setting."

Two weeks later, top McCain strategist Steve Schmidt added another similarity to the list: they're both "flip-floppers. ""When you have a candidate like Mitt Romney who's been on both sides of every issue," he said, "it's a tremendous liability in a general election."

Now the McCain camp is taking the Kerry analogy one step further--and it may be one step too far. That's right, ladies and gentlemen--they're breaking out the windsurfing (see ad above)."Where does Mitt Romney stand?" asks the voiceover. "Whichever way the wind blows." Kerry, you'll remember, was fond of the water sport, and Bush's opposition researchers soon seized on it as a devastating metaphor for his shifting positions, not to mention his effete, highfalutin ways. (Memo to Obama: buy a stock car.)  Which is why this spot worked so well, and why McCain's clone won't: Romney isn't a windsurfer. The whole metaphor thing kind of requires that your rival actually does the activity in question (see: owning a ranch.) So despite the magic of PhotoShop--or perhaps because of it--the new ad looks painfully forced. 

Back to the drawing board, guys. There's got to be footage of Romney in a robot suit somewhere out there.

A (quick) round-up of this morning's must-read stories.

THE CLINTONS' PATRONIZING STRATEGY (Jonathan Alter, Newsweek)

WHO'S SIDE IS JOE LIEBERMAN ON? (Jeffrey Bartholet, Newsweek) 

WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE GOP RACE? (RealClear Politics) 

HAS GIULIANI BLOWN IT? (National Review) 

EDWARDS RISES IN S.C. Polls (The State) 

FOR EDWARDS, A ROLE AS A POSSIBLE KINGMAKER (Wall Street Journal) 

DEMOCRATS TEST MESSAGES IN EARLY NATIONWIDE ADS (New York Times)

THE CLINTON CAMPAIGN'S SILENT SHAKE-UP (New Republic)

CLINTON CAMPAIGN SEES VALUE IN KEEPING FORMER PRESIDENT IN ATTACK MODE (New York Times) 

CLINTON, OBAMA BACK OFF ATTACKS (Washington Post) 

CLINTON'S DEPRESSING ASSAULT ON OBAMA (Washington Post) 

THE HOARSE RACE: WHEN CANDIDATES LOSE THEIR VOICES (Wall Street Journal)

Here's NEWSWEEK'S Holly Bailey from Boca Raton with a report on last night's Republican snoozefest... or, um, "debate":

Maybe Fred Thompson should have stayed in after all. His droll one-liners might have enlivened what was one of the flattest performances yet from a group of GOP candidates who have done battle on the debate stage 18 times before. Familiarity is breeding contempt-not among the combatants, but perhaps among members of the viewing audience.

As the Democratic field has narrowed to a two-candidate contest, the back-and-forth has grown more intense, as evidenced by the sharp sticks Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama poked in each others' eyes last Monday, during a Martin Luther King Day smackdown in South Carolina. But the GOP field has remained a bit more fluid. Florida's crucial Republican primary looms on Jan. 29-a vote which may well determine whether Rudy Giuliani can stay in the race, whether John McCain builds on his past victories to establish a serious head of steam heading into Super Tuesday, whether Mitt Romney can muster Southern appeal, and whether Mike Huckabee has a prayer. But instead of taking sharp aim at one another, the leading Republican candidates seemed more interested in getting their licks in against Clinton, too.

If you somehow missed the first 75 minutes of the debate, broadcast on MSNBC from Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, Fla., thank your lucky stars. Did anyone try to stand out? Not really. In spite of an attempt at serious questions about what to do about the struggling economy, the candidates stuck to their usual talking points, extolling the virtues of tax cuts, endorsing stimulus plans and cutting spending. Giuliani talked up his time as mayor of New York City, again; in a guaranteed applause line, McCain trashed the Bridge to Nowhere-four times to be exact. It felt like the film Groundhog Day-except for the few mentions of Florida-centric issues like the National Catastrophic Fund, which Giuliani supports and the other candidates are slightly iffy on. (Guess what's going to be the top story in Friday's Florida papers?)

The most exciting moment in the first half hour? A shot of Florida Gov. Charlie Crist sitting in the audience. On TV, he was so tan he looked like an Oompa Loompa.

Read the rest here.