Attorney General Eric Holder, a finalist for the Mustached American of the Year award
Now that news has broken and subsided about President Obama’s Nobel Prize and whether or not it was deserved, we’re turning our attention to another ruthless competition involving another top administration official. This time, it’s Attorney General Eric Holder. And the title he’s reportedly a leading contender for? Mustached American of the Year.
Now, we know what you’re thinking. Trust us, we’re thinking it too. (And no, it’s not the shocking fact that America apparently considers growing a mustache a competitive sport, which already blew our mind this morning.) But Eric Holder? The country’s leading mustache? Come on, people. He’s nice-looking and affable and all, and yeah, he deals with some pretty sexy political issues, but the country’s model ’stache? This is the person who represents American mustaches to the rest of the world. He’s our upper-lipped ambassador. Our dimple-fuzzed diplomat. Our . . . our . . . ’stached superintendent? OK, we’re done. But seriously, has the nomination committee even seen this guy, or this guy, or even, wait, is that a woman? Yep, sure is. Now that’s impressive.
All we’re trying to say is, if Holder wants to compete in a competition that any postpubescent boy can reasonably enter, he’s really got to pick up his game. We’re thinking handlebar loops with little curlicues.
Defending the prestige of the prize, the American Mustache Institute—yes, it’s real, and check out its logo —argues that it’s not a mustache competition, but rather a title for the person “best contributing to the Mustached American way of life over the past year.” (Umm, mustached way of life?) But they've got to know, in a contest like this, the ’stache defines the person, not the other way around. You can see the list of the other finalists (and vote) here, where you’ll notice some big names. Hudson hero pilot Chesley Sullenberger, Cardinals shortstop Brendan Ryan, and, all the way at the bottom, yep, there’s White House senior adviser David Axelrod going head-to-head against Holder. (Boy, to be a fly on the wall during the next cabinet meeting—talk about tense.)
In fairness, though, we should point out that Holder himself has risen above the fray. He told reporters this week that he’d be “honored to have that award, but it’s nothing I’m pining for.” Classy, sure, but you know, he has to say that.
So go forth, Gaggle readers, and cast your vote, which you can do until Oct. 20. If Holder does win, someone, anyone, please keep with administration decorum and call to tell him at 5 a.m.
For more photos of Eric Holder and former Attorney Generals -- some mustached, some not -- have a look at our gallery here.
